The Nastiest Election Ever

Snark Alert: This Post Contains Sarcasm and was Written with a Heavy Heart

I have a confession. Despite my attempts to remain positive and upbeat throughout this challenging period, I believe the US presidential election is rigged. I believe that this fraud started thousands of years ago. And worst of all, I believe that I might be to blame for everything.

It all started with Torah.

The crafters of the Torah rigged this whole election when they sneakily dropped a whole chapter called the Holiness Code into the middle of the book of Leviticus. After all, the rest of Leviticus is all about blood, guts, gore, and skin diseases. Suddenly, we are commanded to leave the corners of our fields unharvested for the orphan and the widow? We are forbidden to place a stumbling block before the blind (physically or metaphorically)? We are commanded to love our neighbor as we love ourselves, because we are all created in the holy image of God?? It's a fraud. Some freak of nature probably stuck that in there where it has no place nor meaning. Perhaps it’s not too late to just edit the whole chapter out. It’s worthless.

I believe that the great biblical prophets of ancient days rigged the electoral process when they wrote all of those trivial quotes about morality, decency and social justice. Micah taught “God has told you what is good, and what Adonai requires of you: only to do justice, and to love goodness, and to walk humbly with your God.” (Micah 6:8). And Ezekiel preached: “Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children.” (Ezekiel 25:17) Anyone who knows anything about humanity understands one thing:  

All of those prophets were losers. Looo-sers.

I believe that if the great sages of the first century were alive today they would totally have been arrested for voter fraud. Hillel? Shammai? Just a bunch of career politicians who cared only about fame and power. Teaching the whole Torah while standing on one foot? Are you kidding me? They were unqualified to teach Torah, or anything, for that matter.

And what about the Talmudic commentators? A bunch of deplorables. Believe me, I know more about Talmud than all of those commentators.

As it so happens, the biggest criminals are my grandparents. They immigrated to this country to make better lives for themselves and for their descendants. They are the ones that instilled all of this ridiculous Torah into my heart and soul. My grandparents are the ones that convinced me in so many ways that Love Trumps Hate. It is truly because of their bravery and sacrifice that this election is totally rigged. If they were alive, we would certainly lock them up.

I am also to blame. I am a member of a traditionally male profession. Together with my female rabbinic colleagues we broke barriers down that could have indirectly led to leading Hillary to believe that she had the intelligence, the stamina, the compassion, and the chutzpah necessary to be an effective world leader. We should truly be ashamed of our crooked selves. We rigged this election and there is no turning back.

And the worst part? It appears that I've bestowed my faulty Jewish value system to my children, one of whom voted for evil Hillary, other elected leaders, and a variety of propositions that very well might destroy the very fabric of our great nation.

God help us all…this is going to be a very long night.













Lisa Tzur